i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
