I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
