i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
im on a boat
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