Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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