I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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