But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Its about making memories worth repressing
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
