how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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