I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
