if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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