new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
