Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
