i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
