I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
did i walk over a car last night?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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