I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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