Ambien. No doubt about it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
