I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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