Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
And then he peed in my hair
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