Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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