Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
