running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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