she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
