i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
