Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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