I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
wow bdsm is so cute
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
