I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
