Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
