Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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