i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
