I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
