So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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