Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
