My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
