How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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