Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
