the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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