I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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