Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
