Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
