And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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