Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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