They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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