I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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