ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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