I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
