god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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