he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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