My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
