i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
