im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
