i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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