if i can run in heels then i can drive
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
