I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
