This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
