I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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