This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
