I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
