I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
